You wake up with an endless to-do list already running through your mind. If a project isn’t completed perfectly, a nagging feeling creeps in that you didn’t try hard enough. People around you may offer praise, but you notice only the flaws and think you could have done better. Rest feels like an unaffordable luxury, as an inner voice constantly urges you onward, reminding you of new tasks—every achievement seeming just another step toward an even higher goal. Dissatisfaction with your appearance, worrying that you haven’t given your friend enough attention, or thinking you should eat healthier—if these struggles sound familiar, you may be caught in the trap of setting excessively high standards for yourself. This is a common trait, especially among women, and it can seriously undermine mental balance.
According to Dr. Silvina Perez Sambon, a psychology expert at the Clearly platform—which combines psychology and artificial intelligence to make therapy more accessible—having goals and a drive to grow is a natural force behind our progress. However, she notes, it is crucial to recognize the moment when healthy ambition turns into rigid, self-imposed obligation.
Where does this chase for perfection come from?
To understand the nature of this phenomenon, we must look at the social constructs we live in. The constant push to meet certain standards is not just driven by career ambitions. While many men also feel dissatisfied with their achievements, women face much greater expectations, making this issue one of the most common topics discussed in therapy. According to experts, historically the female role has been overloaded. Demands come from all sides: to be successful in one’s career, a model daughter, an ideal partner, a caring mother, and a loyal friend. In other words, to give a hundred percent in every social role. On top of that, women are expected to conform to beauty standards and, of course, maintain flawless health.
Motivation or self-criticism: how to tell the difference?
Всем известно, что амбиции служат мощным двигателем в повседневной жизни. Но важно проводить черту между ними и изнуряющей самокритикой. Психолог поясняет, что со временем внешние требования усваиваются и становятся частью личности. Именно тогда и появляется внутренний тиран. Когда нами движет здоровая амбиция, преобладает чувство удовлетворения и самореализации, причем не только в момент достижения цели, но и на протяжении всего пути. Когда же она мутирует в жесткое требование, появляются тревожные сигналы: апатия, хроническая усталость, потеря ориентиров и, что самое главное, пренебрежение собственными базовыми потребностями. Распознать эту грань не всегда просто. Помимо последствий, о которых говорит эксперт, существуют и другие симптомы. Чрезмерная строгость к себе проявляется в мыслях о собственной некомпетентности, постоянной самокритике и негибком перфекционизме. Женщина, которая слишком сурова к себе, обычно обесценивает свои успехи, концентрируется на ошибках, испытывает вину или тревогу, если не дотягивает до своей же планки, и не умеет расслабляться или радоваться победам. Это стремление все контролировать и получать только высший балл может вызывать стресс, раздражительность и даже физические недомогания – от бессонницы до мышечных зажимов. Более того, это сказывается и на отношениях с окружающими: появляется склонность постоянно сравнивать себя с другими и трудности с тем, чтобы попросить о помощи. Самый явный маркер – когда внутренний двигатель вместо того, чтобы заряжать энергией, начинает истощать, принося дискомфорт и снижая качество жизни.
The other extreme is apathetic conformity
But what if, instead of constant self-criticism, you actually feel comfortable in your passivity? While both of these tendencies stem from issues with self-esteem, they manifest differently. Perfectionism drives relentless activity, while conformity breeds a passivity that borders on paralysis. According to experts, this state does not bring a sense of well-being either, even though we sometimes try to convince ourselves otherwise. A conformist easily adapts to circumstances and opinions without questioning them, even in unfavorable situations. This is a passive stance. However, this condition is just as damaging to mental health. It is often marked by apathy—the inability to experience strong emotions and a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It is important not to confuse this with laziness: with conformity, there is a general decline in initiative and emotional response to the world.
How do you find balance and stop tormenting yourself?
To achieve a healthy balance between positive ambition and self-compassion, the expert suggests two practices. First, learn to say “no.” Recognizing that we are not born perfectionists but become them through our environment makes this skill essential. Set personal boundaries, respect them, take a pause before responding to requests, and analyze whether something is truly necessary or urgent. You can soften your “no,” for example by saying: “I can’t right now, let’s come back to this later,” or “I need to think about it.” Sometimes it’s enough to simply thank someone and say you’re not interested, without unnecessary explanations. Second, engage in reflection and meditation. It’s important to take mindful breaks during the day for rest, breathing exercises, or enjoyable activities. Free time is essential to slow down and reevaluate things. For example, ask yourself: What do success and perfection mean to me personally? How will I know when I’ve achieved my goal? How will I celebrate, and who will I want to share the joy with? A constant race gets in the way of enjoying the present moment. It leads to overwhelming physical and emotional exhaustion. In our demanding society, self-love, caring for your well-being, and self-compassion are not just acts of self-care; they’re almost acts of rebellion. But many great changes in human history began precisely when someone dared to challenge external pressure and instead chose authenticity and self-care.
