In any relationship—whether with a partner, friend, or colleague—disagreements inevitably arise sooner or later. Living together and personal expectations will, at some point, lead to tense moments, and that’s when our communication style takes center stage. Spanish personal growth and emotional management expert Teresa Herrero explains why some conversations reach a dead end while others help build connection. In her view, the key to success lies in the ability to speak about our own feelings rather than making accusations.
The expert highlights the fundamental difference between the phrases “you hurt me” and “I felt pain because of what happened.” The first statement targets the other person and is perceived as an attack. The second focuses on personal experience, shows vulnerability, and evokes empathy rather than a defensive reaction.
We’ve all experienced situations where trying to express dissatisfaction with phrases like “you never help around the house” or “you’re always late, you don’t care about me” only made the conflict worse. According to Teresa Herrero, such reproaches put the other person on the defensive. When we assign blame, the natural response is self-justification, denial, or counterattacks. As a result, the initial need—to be heard and understood—gets lost in an argument where both sides lose.
Let’s consider a simple everyday example: your partner forgot to reply to your message. If you tell them they never pay attention to you and that you’re not important to them, chances are they will withdraw or get angry. However, the situation changes dramatically if you rephrase the complaint. You can share your feelings by saying you felt ignored when you didn’t get a response. As the coach notes, this approach shifts the tone of the dialogue: instead of attacking, you’re sharing your experience. This gives the other person a chance to put themselves in your shoes and show empathy.
Such a seemingly minor shift in communication not only helps avoid unnecessary conflicts but also creates an atmosphere of trust, making the other person more open to dialogue. When we speak from the first person, we’re not just describing a situation but also revealing our vulnerability. And it is vulnerability, contrary to stereotypes, that is a powerful tool for building deep emotional connections.
For those who are used to blaming others in every dispute, changing this behavioral pattern may seem difficult. However, it is a necessary step toward healthy relationships. Teresa Herrero offers several practical tips that can be used daily to improve communication skills:
Firstly, always speak from your own perspective. Start sentences with phrases like “I felt…” or “for me, it was…” and avoid saying “you always…” or “you never…”. This way, you talk about your experience, not about the other person’s faults. Secondly, describe facts instead of using labels. Rather than saying “you are selfish,” it’s better to explain: “when you didn’t consider my opinion, I felt left out.” Thirdly, choose the right time for conversation. Discussing issues when emotions are running high often leads to anger speaking instead of reason. Taking a pause and talking in a calm state can turn a pointless argument into a constructive dialogue. Fourth, be ready to listen to the other side. Effective communication is a dialogue, not a monologue. And finally, remember your goal: it’s not to win the argument, but to achieve mutual understanding and strengthen your connection.
This approach to communication is not just a set of tricks, but a way to fundamentally improve relationships. When we express our feelings instead of blaming, the other person doesn’t feel threatened and it’s easier for them to show empathy and understanding. As the expert points out, this not only prevents conflicts but also creates a safe space where everyone can be open. Ultimately, the language we use can become either a weapon or a tool for unity. The good news is, it’s never too late to learn effective communication—according to the coach, it’s not magic, but a skill that can and should be developed.
