Modern society has encountered a phenomenon that many experts are no longer afraid to call a silent pandemic. This refers to a pathological personality disorder that, like a virus, infiltrates families, workplaces, and circles of friends, leaving emotional devastation in its wake. Omar Rueda, a social educator and psychotherapist from Barcelona, has dedicated over fifteen years to studying this issue and shared his findings in the book “Narcisos que nos rodean.” His work is not just a theoretical study, but the result of a deep dive into the darkest corners of the human psyche.
From prison walls to family drama: origins of the research
Rueda’s journey toward understanding this complex phenomenon did not begin in the quiet of an office, but in the harsh reality of correctional institutions. Working as a social educator in a prison, he encountered patterns of behavior that defied conventional explanations. Later, while supporting families who had experienced severe trauma and children who had been victims of abuse, he found himself haunted by the same troubling question: how can parents commit such horrific acts against their own children? Over time, he concluded that there are two distinct groups of people. The behavior of one, the larger group, could be explained by social disadvantage, addiction, or structural problems within society. But there was another, smaller, but far more disturbing group. Their actions were cold-blooded, devoid of empathy or remorse, and could not be attributed to difficult life circumstances. This discovery led him to immerse himself in the study of personality disorders, particularly covert psychopathy. Research became a necessity, especially as more and more people began seeking his help, devastated by toxic relationships and unable to understand how they had ended up trapped in such destructive dynamics.
How to recognize a wolf in sheep’s clothing
Hidden manipulators are masters of disguise. Their true nature is extremely difficult to spot in the early stages of acquaintance, as their main weapon is charm. They may seem like perfect partners, friends, or colleagues, showering you with compliments and attention. This period, known as “love bombing,” is designed to quickly create a strong emotional attachment. However, over time, the first warning signs start to appear. A key indicator is the mismatch between words and actions. A person may say all the right and beautiful things, but their actions contradict their words. Another tactic is veiled devaluation: criticism delivered as a joke, sarcasm, or by belittling your achievements, gradually eroding your self-confidence. Such people are fundamentally incapable of taking responsibility, constantly shifting the blame onto others. Any attempt to set personal boundaries or say “no” is met with aggression, pressure, or emotional blackmail. The ultimate goal is to gradually isolate you from friends and family in order to gain complete control.
The web of dependence and the painful path to freedom
Breaking free from a relationship with such a person is incredibly difficult due to the development of a traumatic bond. The manipulator uses the tactic of ‘intermittent reinforcement,’ alternating moments of warmth and ostentatious care with periods of cold detachment or punishment. This cycle creates constant emotional tension in the victim and a hope that ‘things will get better,’ making them stay in the relationship. The ongoing psychological pressure is exhausting, destroys self-esteem, and distorts reality to the point that a person stops trusting their own feelings. Being cut off from their support network deepens their dependence, while the fear of revenge or public shaming paralyzes their will. That is why leaving such a relationship is not just an act of will, but a long process of personal recovery. According to Rueda, the most difficult stage is experiencing traumatic grief. This is not just mourning the end of a relationship. It is the shock of realizing that everything you believed in was a systematic, deliberate deception. You have to grieve not only for the person but also for the illusion, which breaks your basic trust in the world and yourself.
Born or made: the nature and upbringing of a predator
The classic psychology question of “nature or nurture?” finds a nuanced answer here. Scientific evidence shows that pathological narcissism is rooted in the interplay between genetic predispositions and environmental factors. Certain innate temperament traits may make a person more susceptible to developing these characteristics. However, the decisive factor is the family environment, especially in early childhood. Emotional neglect, abuse, lack of clear boundaries, or, conversely, idealizing overprotection can trigger a defense mechanism that shapes a narcissistic personality. In other words, no one is born a pure ‘narcissist’; it is a result of psychosocial circumstances. The modern world, with its cult of success and self-presentation in social media, has become an ideal breeding ground for enhancing these traits. Platforms built on constant self-display and the pursuit of approval only reinforce these tendencies. Ultimately, it’s important to ask yourself: Do I exhibit such traits? After all, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and becoming aware of our own toxic patterns is the first step toward empathy and building healthy relationships.
