Many people are familiar with the situation where an attempt to make a remark or simply share your point of view is met with an unexpectedly sharp reaction. Instead of engaging in constructive dialogue, the other person goes on the offensive: hurling accusations, using irony, or bringing up your past mistakes. A conversation that could have been productive turns into a tense exchange of barbs. This communication style, known as ‘defense through attack,’ is common in personal relationships, among friends, and in the workplace, seriously undermining trust and emotional connection.
According to Spanish psychology experts, this behavior is a form of aggressive or passive-aggressive communication. As María Domínguez, clinical director of Mential, explains, when a person feels threatened by someone else’s words, instead of calmly expressing their discomfort, they respond with counteraccusations, devaluation, or by pointing out others’ shortcomings. This defensive reaction shifts the conversation away from the original topic and creates a highly uncomfortable atmosphere. The reason is often a misinterpretation of someone else’s words, which means anyone can face this kind of behavior.
Such a communication pattern can be recognized by characteristic phrases and tactics. These include counteraccusations like “well, you yourself…”, categorical denials such as “I didn’t do that”, as well as sarcasm, biting irony, hurtful jokes or even humiliation, especially in front of others. These attacks usually come instantly and leave the opponent at a loss, revealing the aggressor’s inability to see another point of view or admit their own fault.
In the long term, the consequences of this communication style can be serious, negatively impacting mental health and relationship quality. Aggressive communication may bring short-term relief, but over time it shapes unhealthy behavioral patterns and causes those around to feel alienated. It hinders effective conflict resolution and systematically erodes trust between people.
To break this vicious cycle, a person prone to such reactions must first recognize the problem. It is important to distinguish between what the interlocutor actually said and one’s own interpretation of those words. Experts recommend paraphrasing what was heard in your own words to make sure you understood correctly. It is also helpful to ask yourself why the strong reaction occurred and what really triggered the irritation — this can help express your feelings more precisely.
For those facing such aggression, experts also suggest several healthy response strategies. María Domínguez recommends taking a pause and thinking before replying. Using “I-statements” can be an effective tool, allowing you to express your feelings without blaming the other person. It is important to remain assertive—that is, to defend your position confidently and calmly. The ‘broken record’ technique—methodically repeating your main point—can also be helpful, as it keeps the conversation on track and avoids endless arguments.
